6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
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If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
i will not be silenced
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third