Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
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So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood