Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
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*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.