I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
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Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!