*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
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Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
What’s a Messi?
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
the council will decide your fate
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”