Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
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Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…