ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
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dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.