I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
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I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I would like even faster food.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
i’m sure it’s fine
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Made something I’m not proud of
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY