A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
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“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.