You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
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And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky