next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
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The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva