“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
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MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one