I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
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If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.