#SuperBowl
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Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Pandas 🐼🖤
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I’m a self-made hundredaire
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”