“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
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*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.