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My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Happy Caturday!
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father