Nice try, NASA
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I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.