me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
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With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?