Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
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Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything