the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
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the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
work smarter, not harder
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore