Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
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“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
japanese corn
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
My patronus is a cheeseburger
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.