*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
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Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Today’s Times
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Bed should get ready for ME
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
This meal prepping shit is easy
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.