I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
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I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
こいつ天才
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
this is the greatest thing ever
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I am all good here, 😂😉
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*