Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
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Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery