“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
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[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.