Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
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Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory