I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
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Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I think my mom just blocked me
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.