Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
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Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
so this horse walks into a bar
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I did not eat the cake…
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.