I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
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Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Gemma Correll
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.