Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
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if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.