Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
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One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
not to brag, but mine was free
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.