If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
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Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
“what’s it like having a sister?”
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.