Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
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companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit