Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
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“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”