girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
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How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I created you as mosquito food.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?