Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
You Might Also Like
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.