Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
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I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night