Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
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Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
They’re the worst 😩