When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
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[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I have never related to a cat more
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.