ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
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This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Dishonest mechanic?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
No laws when master is gone
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged