My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
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One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy