[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
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My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
😂😂
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.