[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
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Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I need better friends
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.