I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
You Might Also Like
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is