Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
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I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Worth a try
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.