Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.