Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
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We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Haha! 😂
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.