I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
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Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress