My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.