[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
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When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.